I’ll be with you in a minute, i’m just having a Cobra meeting…


So this week the UK has basically been attacked from within – all out rioting in various cities across the country, starting on Saturday night. The causes of the riots have largely been blurred – what started as a protest against a shooting has become an excuse to loot and just cause damage.

So while this was spreading across the country with the police, fire service and ambulance crews trying their best to deal with the destruction people naturally start to look upward for a response. No, not to God, up to their elected officials – especially to the guy at the top of the tree, David Cameron.

As you’d expect the Prime Minister and his cabinet were hard at work on Saturday Night/Sunday Morning working on options to increase policing, sanction additional tougher measures and make a statement to the public to instill some kind of confidence. This may have been what you’d expect from the people leading the country but no not in this country. Dave and the rest of his cronies were too busy enjoying themselves on holiday to care about the people they represent. Dave was over in Tuscany with wife Samantha – rumours of raucuous laugher during a limbo competition while parts of London were burned to the ground are unconfirmed. Meanwhile George Osbourne was having a whale of a time over in Disney World. But surely they left someone in charge I hear you ask? Well yes, they left bumbling idiot Nick Clegg in charge. Dont think anything further needs to be said about that.

Finally, Dave catches on and returns from holiday – now we’re ready for some action, he’s gonna touch down and immediately start banging some heads together right? Wrong. What’s his big plan? A Cobra meeting. What comes out of the Cobra meeting? Increase the number of police in London to 16,000 including some from other forces across the UK. The result? London is quiet and no rioting occurs. The side effect – Manchester, Birmingham and Liverpool are overwhelmed by rioting because police despite their best efforts can’t cope. What a genius Dave is eh! But don’t worry, another Cobra meeting is planned – everyone is waiting to hear his next bright idea. Here it comes – Water Cannons! Excellent, finally some tough methods that we can use immedi…. oh no wait, we have to order them 24hrs in advance. The incompetence is now nothing short of staggering. What fucking use are Water Cannons when you have to order them and then WAIT 24hrs for them to arrive – they should have been ordered on Saturday night and have been placed on standby ready to be used.

This entire debacle has shown the Prime Minister to rather weak when it comes to making the big decisions in a crisis. He seems unable to make a decision without holding a Cobra meeting. You can almost picture the scene as Samantha Cameron asks him what he fancies for his dinner and he has to hold an emergency Cobra meeting to discuss the options. You’re at the top of the tree man, make a fucking decision!

Before the ‘my party does no wrong’ Tories start attacking me, I’m not suggesting Ed Miliband would have handled it any better and indeed, he was on holiday when it was all kicking off too but to be fair to him, he isn’t (and lets me be honest, never will be) the Prime Minister.

As I write this the rioting appears to have subsided now thankfully so get ready for the comedy image of 15 Water Cannon trucks trundling around your city with nothing to do.

Close your mouth, I can see the contents of your stomach


It’s Sunday, so it’s time for a good old moan.

Human Beings really are rather disgusting creatures. Take eating for example – you put something in your mouth, you pulverize it into a mush whilst it’s being mixed with saliva you’ve excreted before you thunder it down a tube where it’s promptly dumped into a big sack. From here it’s further obliterated by acid before making a windy journey where your body scavenges it for everything it’s worth and adds final insult by expelling what’s left down the shitter.

So whilst this process is rather revolting, it’s necessary and to be fair, it’s take place out of view. Or at least for most people it does, but why oh why oh do some people have such revolting eating habits – it makes me feel bilious.

  • Open mouth eaters – you should put some food in your mouth, close it and chew. What you shouldn’t do, is put it in your mouth and proceed to display the contents dying a slow death as you give a full concert to those around you. No one wants to see it.
  • Noisy eaters – oh this one gets right on my tits. Slurping, gulping and any other assorted noise people make when eating. Granted, it’s difficult to eat in absolute silence but we don’t need to hear the inner workings of your digestive system.
  • Talkers – how can it possibly be acceptable to carry on a conversation with a big bastard lump of steak in your mouth. I know some people like to multi-task but eating and talking at the same time isn’t a good time to display this skill.
  • Plate scrapers – you know the sort, if you wasn’t actually looking at what they were doing you’d think two knights from medieval times were having an all out sword fight. You’ve got one fucking pea left on your plate, leave it there!
  • Dieters – don’t sit there and tell me your fed up of being fat and are going to go on a diet and order a salad and then when it comes to the crunch you order the biggest, fattest, greasy fucking thing on the menu. You’re fat because you’re greedy!

To think, we are thousands of years removed from cavemen but we still maintain some of their traits, what’s next tiger wrestling?

Thundercats (2011)


Thundercats, the iconic cartoon of the 80’s has been remade. I must admit, i was more than a little sceptical about a remake of one of my favourite  cartoons. I remember when they first re-made He-Man. God it was fucking awful. They turned him from hulking bronzed adonis into a blond haired, tight panted, pony tailed doofus.

So I was expecting the Thundercats remake would be in a similar vein and they would have chosen to absolutely butcher the original characters and story. Having watched episode one and two, I can safely report I was wrong.

The animation has obviously been given a kick up the ass, the characters look a lot better. They actually look more cat like, granted one or two are still musclebound but for the most part the characters, particularly the main ones look a lot more sleek and feline. Snaps to Cheetara who’s rocking an impressive rack.

One thing that becomes quickly apparent is that Snarf – that god awful, incredibly annoying blob from the original no longer speaks. What an absolute stroke of genius this is. The new snarf is SUPER cute. I actually now like the character.

In terms of the mutants, we only get a look at Slithe. He hasn’t changed much to be honest, though he no longer appears to utter that annoying ‘Yesssssss’. Mumm-Ra appears late on – the jury is out on him. He looks the part, but the voice just isn’t quite there yet. Hilarious comedy moment when we think we are going to get to see Mumm-Ra change and he’s interrupted – I actually LOL’d.

Overall, this is a very promising start to this new series of the Thundercats.

Innocent until proven guilty


 

Apparently in this country and most other civilised countries if you are arrested on suspicion of something, then until you are proven to be guilty of a crime you must be presumed to be innocent. The reason for this is that it puts the burden of proof on the state, that is, they have to prove you are guilty rather than you having to prove you are innocent.

However the press in this country don’t abide by this rule and instead if your name is mentioned in relation to a case then an all out character assassination will take place – it’s almost as if the papers kick the case for the prosecution off months in advance, tainting any chance of a fair trial.

So it’s pleasing to see in the news today, that both The Sun, The Mirror and a number of other newspapers have had to pay libel damages to Chris Jefferies. If you don’t recall who he is, he was the first arrest following the murder of Joanna Yates. After his arrest he was splashed all over the papers and portrayed as a pervert, a weirdo and i distinctly remember one newspaper referring to him as a ‘Nutty Professor’. The media is very powerful and for anyone reading the stuff they printed you’d be forgiven for thinking he was guilty as sin and this was an open and shut case. Alas, it later transpired he had nothing to do with the murder and someone else was eventually arrested and charged. His name and reputation however was left in tatters.

He’ll get an apology the size of an ant’s penis in the various papers over the next day or two and he has apparently won ‘substantial’ damages so in some respects he has fought his corner and won. But it doesn’t put a stop to it….

Most recently, the same happened with regard to the Nurse arrested on suspicion of murder patients at Stepping Hill hospital. As it turns out, she appears to be guilty of something, but even before she was charged the newspapers had conducted an all out assassination on her character which included posting humiliating pictures taken from Facebook. Again, she was hung out to dry before having any trial.

God forbid if you are ever in the wrong place, at the wrong time when a high profile crime takes place, if you are arrested you may be lucky enough to be splashed across the tabloids dressed as Batman from that fancy dress night out.

What I watched as a kid #10


Thundercats

Premise –  a bunch of humanoid felines, land on a planet, set up home and have to go up against a band of mutants and a weirdo mummy.

Was it any good? It’s a classic. It had everything – a great intro, a sexy leopard woman, a cool sword that every kid wanted to own not to mention the sexual innuendo of said sword that gets bigger and bigger when the guy holding it gets excited.

The characters were cool too – Liono was the guy with the sword, he was actually pretty shit to be honest, every time he got in trouble he had to call his buddies – cue a sequence of him shouting ‘thunder’ a few times to give his sword an erection and fire out a big Thundercats symbol. Nice.

Panthro & Tigra were the two other guys – one was a big butch panther type who doubled as mechanic, never really liked him to be honest. Tigra was cool, but underutilised. He could turn invisible – how cool is that.

Then there was Cheetara – oh Cheetara. She was HOT. Ample rack, nice outfit, cool abilities, sexy voice. Pretty much everything a female cartoon character should be.

Jaga was a character who would pop up occasionally to deliver some boring words of wisdom mid-way through the episode, he didn’t serve any other function. The other Thundercats were throwaway to be honest, two useless kids and Snarf – an annoying fat cat. Not cool.

The bad guys were actually quite interesting. They were led by Mumm-Ra – the best way to describe him is to imagine Sky News political editor Adam Boulton as a Sith Lord and you’re nearly there. The other baddies were mutants based on a variety of animals – there was a giant frog, a monkey, a jackal and a vulture man. They were a bit shit to be honest and never won.

Anyway, loved this show and still catch an episode every now and then when I’m bored. They’ve just launched a re-make of the Thundercats that seems to be pretty much the same albeit with significantly better animation.

What I watched as a kid #9


Quantum Leap

Premise – “Theorising that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished…..”

Was it any good? This show was genius.

First things first, the Intro was great – watch it here.

Oh how I loved watching this show. Scott Bakula was Dr Beckett, fabulously acted and accompanied by the equally brilliant Dean Stockwell as Al – the hologram who helps Dr Beckett with each leap. The idea was simple, Sam would leap into a person in history and he’d be tasked with discovering what he needed to do in order to change history for the better which would in turn trigger his next leap. Notable leaps include a leap into Elvis, Lee Harvey Oswald and Marilyn Monroe’s bodyguard.

The leaps themselves were awesome. Sam would be covered in a blinding blue/white light and then would re-appear as someone totally different, often coupled with the often used catchphrase ‘Oh Boy’. The special effects for them days were actually quite impressive.

His ultimate goal of course was to eventually leap back home, the series wound itself up with a peculiar episode set in a bar where it transpired the bar tender may have been God. I can’t tell you how utterly crushed I was when it ended and the final image of the show revealed that after watching for five series it transpired that Dr Beckett never returned home.

Internet rumour has it that a Quantum Leap film is in the works. I really hope so, they could even cast the same actors given we could rejoin Sam and find him still leaping around, hopefully the film will have a happy ending and see him finally return home.

What I watched as a kid #8


Dungeons & Dragons

Premise – a bunch of unsuspecting children board a rollercoaster ride and are inexplicably transported to a different world and upon arriving are kindly equipped with magical weapons.

Was it any good?Yeah, it was pretty good. The intro to the cartoon kinda explained the plot of the show, it even introduces the Captain Picard

hello children..

meets paedophile dwarf Dungeon Master character who gives them all their weapons.

A ranger gets a bow and arrow, the Barbarian gets a little club, a Magician – he gets a hat, the Thief gets a cloak, the Acrobat who gets a big pole vault staff and then the Cavalier – who erm, gets a shield.

They have to try and find a way home but are being hampered by the evil villain – a big dude on a black horse called Venger who wants to steal their weapons.

While I recall watching this, I have no idea what happened to them all – does anyone know if they got home?

Watch the Intro here.