Single Review: Little Mix – Cannonball


So they won the X Factor. Probably deservedly on the night, but over the whole series, arguably not. Anyway, as is now customary any effort to release an original song is out the window and we are subjected to a cover version of what is a superb song. Why Damien Rice allowed this is anyone’s guess – does he have to give his explicit permission for a cover version to be released? You’d assume so.

Anyway, onto the song. It starts devoid of any music and is purely a vocal intro – this is great for the first line or two, but it continues with minimal music right up to a full minute and 50 seconds. I have to tell you, everytime I listen to it my finger is inches away from the skip button when it finally kicks into gear.

If you’ve heard the Damien Rice version you’ll be familiar with the emotion put into the lyrics when he sings them – don’t expect this with the Little Mix version, zero connection with the song it’s just banged out and that’s your lot. They have at least avoided the dreaded key change that seems to be inserted into every X Factor song, regardless of whether it needs one or not.

To be fair to them, it’s so distant from the original it does stand on its own as a decent version but it’s actually quite a weak winners single. It’ll naturally storm to No1 but alas that proves nothing – the test is in the next single.

As a sidenote, Marcus Collins’ performance of Cannonball on the night was significantly better.

2 Tits out of 5

 

 

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Death of a legend…?


Amy Winehouse was found dead today. SkyNews broke the news and within minutes Facebook, Twitter and assorted other sites were swarming with various comments about her untimely demise. Words such as ‘talent’ and ‘legend’ were being thrown around. It’s always sad when someone dies, especially when it’s at an age so young.

However what I do object to is people labelling her a ‘musical legend’ or an ‘amazing talent’. She had a mere two albums and released a handful of admittedly good songs. Does this automatically equate to legendary status these days?

If we get this kind of gushing for Amy Winehouse what can we expect for the likes of Stevie Wonder, Tina Turner or Madonna? These people are musical legends and will go down in history.

Sad as it is, Amy Winehouse was a mediocre singer who led an incredibly destructive lifestyle and anyone who claims to be shocked at the news of her death really need to stop kidding themselves.

You don’t belong on my pizza ..


The vast majority of people like Pizza. You can eat it hot, cold, drunk, sober, half asleep – it’s a genius of modern cuisine. Two ingredients are generally consistent with any Pizza – tomato base and cheese (of some variety) but these days, there is no limit as to what you can throw on a Pizza to jazz it up. Diversity is welcome but some ingredients have no place on a Pizza.

1.) Tuna – it’s a fish. A big one at that… and it’s on your pizza. Tuna is something you throw in a sandwich, or maybe with a Jacket Potato – you don’t wallop it on a Pizza. It just doesn’t go with anything else. How anyone can tolerate this is beyond me.

2.) Pineapple – ah the humble Pineapple. This one divides people. Personally, I love a bit of Pineapple on my Pizza, but there are some that are physically sick at the thought of a piece of fruit on their favourite savoury dish. You wouldn’t exactly include some pineapple in a cheese sandwich now would you, so why is it allowed on the beloved Pizza? Often couple with ham to make the classic ‘Ham & Pineapple’ but you could find it lurking in any other pizza combination.

3.) Egg – a big, walloping fried egg thrown squarely in the middle of your pizza.  Not sure who thought up this bright idea but it’s about as welcome as a bout of scabies. It’s offensive. It’s looking at you. It’s probably laughing too. It’s dominating your entire Pizza demanding you to take it on before you even get to what’s underneath. I’d be tempted to flick it off into the distance and tuck into the Pizza.

4.) Anchovies – If I’m sat in a restaurant a friend orders a Pizza with Anchovies I have to change seat or risk being physically sick on them. Have you seen them? Unlike Tuna which is bashed to within an inch of its life when it’s put on your Pizza, Anchovies are allowed to keep their ‘in ocean’ appearance which means it just looks absolutely revolting. It’s disgusting and frankly immoral. It should be banned.

5.) Lady GaGa – Yes yes, I know this one is a new one but given her incredible over exposure it was only a matter of time before she managed to make her way onto your Pizza. Your GaGa Pizza is served up but don’t worry about trying to eat it, no sooner has it been set down on the table has it literally leapt into your mouth and rammed itself down your throat whether you like it or not. Dare you complain to the waiter that you don’t like the GaGa Pizza and you’ll be unceremoniously marched off the premises while all the other customers (who are eating the GaGa Pizza) point and laugh at you.

Eurovision Single Review – Blue ‘I Can’


It’s nearly time for our annual dose of Eurovision and in the UK’s corner this year is Blue. That’s right, it’s that boy band that cracked out a few decent tunes back 10 years ago. Made up of Duncan, Lee, Simon and… and… the indiscriminate fat one.

Their effort and frankly our effort is ‘I Can’. If you are familiar with any Blue song this one follows the usual formula. It kicks off with Duncan tackling the first verse – it’s all about being separated from an un-named person, they’ve been divided. Just as you are getting into the song, Duncan is quickly gazumped by the significantly higher pitched Lee Ryan, lets not forget people he was the person who said 9/11 paled into insignificance when compared to the plight of whales in the ocean. Well folks, he’s channeling those whales on this track – you can barely make out what he’s singing but it’s tolerable.

Still no contribution from the fat one.

Into the chorus we go – this is where it gets a bit odd.

“I can, I will, untie these hands and get back up again”

I must have missed the part where they were being restrained – still, lets move on. The next few verses are mostly a few lines before kicking back into the chorus – they are obviously banking on the relatively catchy chorus to carry the song and in some respects it does, though it does admittedly take a few listens for it to grow on you in a way not dissimilar to thrush.

The singing is shared between Duncan and Lee – Simon does his c-c-c-can bits and the other dude, well I’m not sure … maybe he’s humming along in the background.

From around 2:40 Lee Ryan goes for an almighty wail which lasts a full 10 seconds – it sounds painful.  You can almost picture him doing it live on Saturday in Düsseldorf and a big Blue Whale crashing in through the ceiling to mate with him – it’s that screechy.

I’m perhaps being a bit unfair – the song itself isn’t TOO bad. It’s just rather mediocre, has nothing special about it and sounds like a very Blue sort of song which is where it lacks – Blue’s sound is 10 years old and so is this song.

In terms of Eurovision, I think it’ll do reasonably well, purely because Blue were popular in Europe. Will it win? I doubt it. My money is on Jedward’s effort. To sum up – Blue, 2001 is on the phone and they want their song back when you’re done with it.

2 tits out of 5

Single Review – Lady GaGa ‘Edge of Glory’


‘Edge of Glory’ is the third song released from Lady GaGa’s forthcoming album ‘Born This Way’. The song was originally released purely as a promotional single, but given the overwhelming positive feedback, it has now been given a proper full release.

The first thing you notice about ‘Edge of Glory’ is that it has a more understated start compared to the likes of ‘Born This Way’ or ‘Judas’ which really grab you by the scruff of your neck and demand you give them your attention. The subtle start to the song only adds to it’s charm. There isn’t a hint of a ‘GaGa’ announcement nor is there any sign of the usual ‘Red One’ callout synonymous with a lot of today’s music.

Off into the verses and it’s a cheery bouncy song – it’s something to do with finding someone to love, it doesn’t particularly matter. Gone is the self indulgent nonsense of ‘Born This Way’ or the religious undertones of ‘Judas’. It’s hard to deny the quality of the chorus – instantly catchy yet incredibly simplistic. It’s indicative of late 80s/ early 90s rock, something perhaps you can imagine Cher singing.

Rather randomly at 3:10 we are treated to an extended saxophone solo, which at first doesnt’ seem to fit in the song at all, but it continues to give the song that 80s/90s feel, especially for those familiar with M People – you’ll be all too familiar with sax solos.

Overall this is a good release and arguably the best song thus released off ‘Born This Way’ – I’m no massive GaGa fan but credit where it’s due, this is a good, well put together pop song.

4 and a half tits

Insta-tan


Everyone wants a tan these days, but back in the 80s did no one question why He-Man got an instant tan when he changed from Prince Adam to He-Man?

Pasty white to golden brown

Of course we know now that he was able to change into He-Man because of the mysterious ‘Sword of Power’. But rumour has it, it was damaged and so He-Man had to retire. The sword was passed down through the generations and eventually was purchased at an auction by an accentric musician. He held it aloft, uttered those immortal words – ‘By the power of grayskull’ … the results were not quite as he’d hoped ….