Movie Review – Mission:Impossible – Ghost Protocol

Mission:Impossible was good, Mission:Impossible II was poor, Mission:Impossible III was better, Mission:Impossible – Ghost Protocol is excellent.

Wasn’t expecting too much from this when I went to see it however I walked out of the cinema at the end pleasantly suprised.  You know it’s going to be good when the first 15 minutes are almost zero dialogue and pure action with Tom Cruise escaping from a Russian prison. This time around we have a few additional characters, non of them get a significant back story, but this isn’t Shakespear, it’s an action movie where character development is largely unneccesary.

Interestingly, Cruise doesn’t hog the scenes or the script on this occasion and some of the other characters do get a look in. This means it’s more akin to what Mission:Impossible should be about – a team dynamic, funky gadgets and high octane action sequences. Speaking of the action sequences, these are excellent throughout. Yes, the one that stands out does have Cruise dangling from the worlds tallest building but there are plenty of others to keep you going.

All in all a very enjoyable film. I’ve read other reviews that comment on the plot being overly complicated or having too many twists, but c’mon it’s not THAT complicated.

4.5 out of 5 tits.



Movie Review: X-Men: First Class

I liked the X-Men films.  Well I say that, the first one was good, the second was better, the third one was a bit over the top, the Wolverine one.. well it was a bit tired by that point. Enter X-Men: First Class – ready to breathe a breath of fresh air into the franchise, add a bit originality and give the whole X-Men thing a bit of a new spin. Right?

I mean really?

Wrong. If you’ve seen the other X-Men films you’ll recognise the tried and tested and quite frankly boring formula. It’s Professor X vs Magneto with an array of forgettable other mutants you’ve either never heard of or as is the case with First Class have the most ridiculous powers. Of the entire back catalogue of mutants to pick from they pick a girl who can spout insect wings from her back and shoot weird egg cum fireballs from her mouth. Really? I shit you not.

The others aren’t any better – some dude who can produce sound waves which also inexplicably enables him to fly, a dude who can adapt to any situation but doesn’t adapt to one particular situation and some other guy who can shoot out weird circles of red light – incidentally, I don’t think we see him hit a target in the entire film. A special mention should go to Nicholas Hoult who plays ‘Beast’ – his part is acted superbly… that is of course until he gets his blue fur and then it’s run of the mill comic book action clichéd one liners.

Other mentions should go to Michael Fassbender (Magneto) and Jennifer Lawrence (Mystique) who both do their respective characters justice, particularly in providing their back story. Although, why we still need to see Magneto look like he’s got a severe bout of diarrhea that’s about to splash all over the floor  every time he does something challenging with his powers is both distracting and inadvertently funny.

Have I mentioned Kevin Bacon? He plays the villain Sebastian Shaw. Starts off brilliantly as the cruel german doctor and then the next time you see him he has gained mutant powers with little or no explanation. Was he a mutant before? Did he magically harness them from somewhere? Am sure those familiar with all the characters will know, but it left me a bit stumped.

I'm reading your mind ...

Onto James McAvoy as Professor X – I think he’s caught the same bout of diarrhea as poor Magneto because every time he needs to do something mildly challenging he’s got that strained look coupled with the ‘just one more thing’ Columbo hand-to-forehead action. I literally got bored of seeing it – Patrick Stewart never had this problem. Incidentally, his backstory is rather slapdash and is mopped up pretty quickly, they were obviously concentrating on Magneto.

But above them all, the character I hated most was … was.. you know he’s never even given a name in the film. In fact, correct me if im wrong, but i don’t think he has a single line of dialogue in the entire film. What he does do is summon mini tornados on cue in every scene which becomes incredibly repetitive. Apparently his name is Riptide.

To the films credit I felt Magneto’s internal struggle was played out really well, that is until its spoiled when at the climax of the movie he comes floating out of a wrecked ship – having learned the ability to levitate in the space of 2 minutes and then gone is the torn, conflicted character and instantly he’s spouting the usual I’m the villain nonsense we’ve seen before from McKellan’s Magneto. To make it worse, the costume department see fit to change his helmet to match the previous films and then add some bizarre horn – I mean why?!  I appreciate its in line with the comics but you either need to match the films or start afresh and match the comics. Make your mind up!

Finally, don’t bother to sit around at the end to see if they add an extra bit at the end of the credits – they don’t.

Despite the criticisms, it wasn’t too bad – just a little disappointing.

3 tits out of 5

Oh how the mighty have fallen ….

Cheryl Cole – she’s had an almighty rise to fame. Sure she started with nothing as a common chav, and she had to batter a black toilet attendant to get where she is, but she’s had a remarkable rise to fame.

And so we all wake up this morning to news that she has been unceremoniously ditched from the US X Factor. One wonders if Simon Cowell asked Lord Sugar to phone Cheryl personally to break the news Apprentice style for maximum impact. Apparently the Americans will struggle to understand her strong (?) Geordie accent. However given they have an absolute nobody with an equally strong Welsh accent hosting the show it makes me somewhat sceptical that that is the real reason.

Either way, It appears she has now been replaced with Nicole Zingertowerburger of Pussycat Dolls fame. She had a successful stint being a judge on the UK X Factor and so it makes perfect sense for her to be slotted in as a judge as opposed to co-hosting with Steve Jones.

Cheryl lost a lot of fans during the last season of the UK X Factor due to some dubious decisions and generally poor judging, being continually overshadowed by the much more knowledgable and articulate Danni Minogue. Many, me being one, were glad to see her shipped off to the US to be judge on the X Factor over there. But what now…

With the UK X Factor panel having only one confirmed judge and news that Danni Minogue will not return means that there is a very good chance that Cheryl will return to the UK X Factor. But how very embarrassing for her – being made to come back home, having been ditched from a very high profile US show. Not only has she missed the boat on what will probably be the biggest show on US TV this year but also any attempt to break the US musically will be damaged as she’ll be seen as having been brushed aside by the mighty hand of Simon Cowell.

Do I feel sorry for her? No. I felt she had got a bit ahead of her own press in recent years so this will hopefully bring her crashing back to reality. Given the poor decision to release Danni Minogue from the X Factor panel, I imagine ITV will be foaming at the mouth to get Cheryl on the phone – if I’m honest I’d welcome her back if it meant some of the other people rumoured to be judges didn’t get a spot on the panel. Tulisa N-Dubz anyone?

why'aye man.. i've lost me job!

Yippe Ki Yay Mother F*cker!

Ah the 80’s. The decade of the new romantics, of neon and outrageously bright fashion and of course the decade of the action hero.

Quickly think of an action hero – I’m guessing a large number will have picked either Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis or Sylvester Stallone. The big three. These three guys really grabbed the action movie genre and slapped the yellow off its teeth.

Oooh, pretty!

I love action films. They are never going to have the most intricate of plots, you don’t need to know all the names of the characters – all you need to know is that the main character is going to go on an absolute rampage and blow shit up.

Sometimes they have a female character – don’t worry you don’t need to know her name either, she’s just there because she’s got big tits.

The bad guy has a number of options available to him (and its nearly always a him) – he could be an ex-marine who has turned against the system, he could be a good old terrorist, he could be a previously thought dead ex-partner or perhaps a head of a corrupt arms company. It doesn’t matter. Once the hero has despatched his army of henchmen he’ll despatch the main bad guy in spectacular fashion, often coupled with a perfectly delivered one-liner.

How does the hero manage such an amazing feat? Well it’s because they are invincible. Have you seen ‘Commando’? It’s an Arnie film – before you read on, watch this.

Achievement Unlocked: Unlimited Ammo

Did you watch it? That’s right, he IS invincible. Arnie is shot at point-blank range, has a grenade thrown at him and STILL manages to take out the evil bad guys 50+ henchmen. Did you also spot that he has unlimited ammunition, as well as the ability to carry 4 different weapons with ease? It’s stupidly unrealistic but that’s what makes it brilliant. I WANT to see Arnie kick ass – you just don’t get that these days. Action films these days are ‘thinking’ action films – they have a plot, the hero gets hurt and its all about hand to hand, faster than the eye can see, combat.

Wheres my gun?

Explosions are few and far between, guns actually run out of ammunition and the females actually have dialogue. I’m talking about the likes of the Jason Bourne films – a good series of films, but it’s not the sort of film you throw on when you’ve got a spare hour or two. What about Jason Statham – he’s less action, more car chase. Others who spring to mind – Vin Diesel, Gerard Butler and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.  They can all deliver the lines adequately but they just don’t have the charm of the big three from the 80’s.

Interestingly there is one actor who has shown himself to be a superb action hero – he’s still not up to the standard of the likes of Sly, Bruce & Arnie but he’s definitely got a bit of ‘old school’ about him. I am of course talking about the great Liam Neeson. Have you seen ‘Taken’? It’s just brilliant. It doesn’t have much in the way of explosions but the hero character is nigh on invincible and he delivers fantastic one liners particularly this one…

“… if you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have is a very particular set of skills.”

Watch the scene here

Apparently Arnie has returned to films but let’s be honest, he’s a bit old now and can’t really be running around carrying machine guns taking out entire armies of men. I’m willing to bend reality so far but not snap it in two. So, we NEED some new, proper kick ass action heroes. Actors these days worry too much about getting an Oscar for playing a historic figure, a homosexual or a superhero. Instead, I say pick up some guns, grab some grenades and run at the bad guys head on – you are invincible.

Whos up next?

Movie Review: Unstoppable


” Hang on for the ride of your life as Oscar Winner Denzel Washington and Chris Pine (Star Trek) team up for the year’s most electrifying action-thriller.”

That’s the tag line for ‘Unstoppable’ – I read that before I watched it. Doesn’t it sound REALLY exciting. I mean I’m already being warned to hang on for the ride of my life, not to mention its the year’s most electrifying action-thriller. This is going to be a seriously amazing film.

I won’t spoil the film for you, but c’mon – it’s Denzel. You KNOW he’s going to stop the train somehow. Anyway, after a long and frankly boring 90+ minutes I was left rather unimpressed.

Hi, I'm Denzel

I like Denzel, I mean if you want to see a good Denzel film see ‘Man on Fire‘ – incredibly good film with Denzel exuding maximum ‘Denzelness’.

In this film though he’s SO dull. He has minimal dialogue, he plays the usual ‘been in the job 40 years and about to retire’ clichéd role we’ve seen a million times before.

He delivers his lines from behind his incredibly shiny white teeth with skill, but he’s done much better.

Onto his co-star Christopher Pine. He was Captain Kirk in the recent Star Trek film. He was very good in that, in this he’s abysmal. He gets even fewer lines than Denzel, though that’s to be expected, he’s not quite on Denzel’s level yet. Can you guess who he plays? Yes, it is the ‘only been in the job 5 minutes’ rookie. It’s ALL so predictable.

And so when it’s all said and done and all the smoke has cleared the star of the film ends up being the fucking train. I’m not sure who cast him, but the more i watched the more and more I recognised him and then it hit me ….

Try and stop me Denzel

 Number of times the word ‘Denzel’ appears in this post = 11