I’m back



Yes that’s right – not blogged anything for ages but I have returned!

Lets see, where to start – oh, the new addition to the household.

Small, four legs and a pain in the arse – behold, Achilles…



He’s very cute but Christ De Burgh he’s a handful and a bundle of energy. Anyone with an Airedale Terrier who wants to give me tips please feel free…



Single Review: Little Mix – Cannonball

So they won the X Factor. Probably deservedly on the night, but over the whole series, arguably not. Anyway, as is now customary any effort to release an original song is out the window and we are subjected to a cover version of what is a superb song. Why Damien Rice allowed this is anyone’s guess – does he have to give his explicit permission for a cover version to be released? You’d assume so.

Anyway, onto the song. It starts devoid of any music and is purely a vocal intro – this is great for the first line or two, but it continues with minimal music right up to a full minute and 50 seconds. I have to tell you, everytime I listen to it my finger is inches away from the skip button when it finally kicks into gear.

If you’ve heard the Damien Rice version you’ll be familiar with the emotion put into the lyrics when he sings them – don’t expect this with the Little Mix version, zero connection with the song it’s just banged out and that’s your lot. They have at least avoided the dreaded key change that seems to be inserted into every X Factor song, regardless of whether it needs one or not.

To be fair to them, it’s so distant from the original it does stand on its own as a decent version but it’s actually quite a weak winners single. It’ll naturally storm to No1 but alas that proves nothing – the test is in the next single.

As a sidenote, Marcus Collins’ performance of Cannonball on the night was significantly better.

2 Tits out of 5



I’ll be with you in a minute, i’m just having a Cobra meeting…

So this week the UK has basically been attacked from within – all out rioting in various cities across the country, starting on Saturday night. The causes of the riots have largely been blurred – what started as a protest against a shooting has become an excuse to loot and just cause damage.

So while this was spreading across the country with the police, fire service and ambulance crews trying their best to deal with the destruction people naturally start to look upward for a response. No, not to God, up to their elected officials – especially to the guy at the top of the tree, David Cameron.

As you’d expect the Prime Minister and his cabinet were hard at work on Saturday Night/Sunday Morning working on options to increase policing, sanction additional tougher measures and make a statement to the public to instill some kind of confidence. This may have been what you’d expect from the people leading the country but no not in this country. Dave and the rest of his cronies were too busy enjoying themselves on holiday to care about the people they represent. Dave was over in Tuscany with wife Samantha – rumours of raucuous laugher during a limbo competition while parts of London were burned to the ground are unconfirmed. Meanwhile George Osbourne was having a whale of a time over in Disney World. But surely they left someone in charge I hear you ask? Well yes, they left bumbling idiot Nick Clegg in charge. Dont think anything further needs to be said about that.

Finally, Dave catches on and returns from holiday – now we’re ready for some action, he’s gonna touch down and immediately start banging some heads together right? Wrong. What’s his big plan? A Cobra meeting. What comes out of the Cobra meeting? Increase the number of police in London to 16,000 including some from other forces across the UK. The result? London is quiet and no rioting occurs. The side effect – Manchester, Birmingham and Liverpool are overwhelmed by rioting because police despite their best efforts can’t cope. What a genius Dave is eh! But don’t worry, another Cobra meeting is planned – everyone is waiting to hear his next bright idea. Here it comes – Water Cannons! Excellent, finally some tough methods that we can use immedi…. oh no wait, we have to order them 24hrs in advance. The incompetence is now nothing short of staggering. What fucking use are Water Cannons when you have to order them and then WAIT 24hrs for them to arrive – they should have been ordered on Saturday night and have been placed on standby ready to be used.

This entire debacle has shown the Prime Minister to rather weak when it comes to making the big decisions in a crisis. He seems unable to make a decision without holding a Cobra meeting. You can almost picture the scene as Samantha Cameron asks him what he fancies for his dinner and he has to hold an emergency Cobra meeting to discuss the options. You’re at the top of the tree man, make a fucking decision!

Before the ‘my party does no wrong’ Tories start attacking me, I’m not suggesting Ed Miliband would have handled it any better and indeed, he was on holiday when it was all kicking off too but to be fair to him, he isn’t (and lets me be honest, never will be) the Prime Minister.

As I write this the rioting appears to have subsided now thankfully so get ready for the comedy image of 15 Water Cannon trucks trundling around your city with nothing to do.

Close your mouth, I can see the contents of your stomach

It’s Sunday, so it’s time for a good old moan.

Human Beings really are rather disgusting creatures. Take eating for example – you put something in your mouth, you pulverize it into a mush whilst it’s being mixed with saliva you’ve excreted before you thunder it down a tube where it’s promptly dumped into a big sack. From here it’s further obliterated by acid before making a windy journey where your body scavenges it for everything it’s worth and adds final insult by expelling what’s left down the shitter.

So whilst this process is rather revolting, it’s necessary and to be fair, it’s take place out of view. Or at least for most people it does, but why oh why oh do some people have such revolting eating habits – it makes me feel bilious.

  • Open mouth eaters – you should put some food in your mouth, close it and chew. What you shouldn’t do, is put it in your mouth and proceed to display the contents dying a slow death as you give a full concert to those around you. No one wants to see it.
  • Noisy eaters – oh this one gets right on my tits. Slurping, gulping and any other assorted noise people make when eating. Granted, it’s difficult to eat in absolute silence but we don’t need to hear the inner workings of your digestive system.
  • Talkers – how can it possibly be acceptable to carry on a conversation with a big bastard lump of steak in your mouth. I know some people like to multi-task but eating and talking at the same time isn’t a good time to display this skill.
  • Plate scrapers – you know the sort, if you wasn’t actually looking at what they were doing you’d think two knights from medieval times were having an all out sword fight. You’ve got one fucking pea left on your plate, leave it there!
  • Dieters – don’t sit there and tell me your fed up of being fat and are going to go on a diet and order a salad and then when it comes to the crunch you order the biggest, fattest, greasy fucking thing on the menu. You’re fat because you’re greedy!

To think, we are thousands of years removed from cavemen but we still maintain some of their traits, what’s next tiger wrestling?

Innocent until proven guilty


Apparently in this country and most other civilised countries if you are arrested on suspicion of something, then until you are proven to be guilty of a crime you must be presumed to be innocent. The reason for this is that it puts the burden of proof on the state, that is, they have to prove you are guilty rather than you having to prove you are innocent.

However the press in this country don’t abide by this rule and instead if your name is mentioned in relation to a case then an all out character assassination will take place – it’s almost as if the papers kick the case for the prosecution off months in advance, tainting any chance of a fair trial.

So it’s pleasing to see in the news today, that both The Sun, The Mirror and a number of other newspapers have had to pay libel damages to Chris Jefferies. If you don’t recall who he is, he was the first arrest following the murder of Joanna Yates. After his arrest he was splashed all over the papers and portrayed as a pervert, a weirdo and i distinctly remember one newspaper referring to him as a ‘Nutty Professor’. The media is very powerful and for anyone reading the stuff they printed you’d be forgiven for thinking he was guilty as sin and this was an open and shut case. Alas, it later transpired he had nothing to do with the murder and someone else was eventually arrested and charged. His name and reputation however was left in tatters.

He’ll get an apology the size of an ant’s penis in the various papers over the next day or two and he has apparently won ‘substantial’ damages so in some respects he has fought his corner and won. But it doesn’t put a stop to it….

Most recently, the same happened with regard to the Nurse arrested on suspicion of murder patients at Stepping Hill hospital. As it turns out, she appears to be guilty of something, but even before she was charged the newspapers had conducted an all out assassination on her character which included posting humiliating pictures taken from Facebook. Again, she was hung out to dry before having any trial.

God forbid if you are ever in the wrong place, at the wrong time when a high profile crime takes place, if you are arrested you may be lucky enough to be splashed across the tabloids dressed as Batman from that fancy dress night out.