Close your mouth, I can see the contents of your stomach

It’s Sunday, so it’s time for a good old moan.

Human Beings really are rather disgusting creatures. Take eating for example – you put something in your mouth, you pulverize it into a mush whilst it’s being mixed with saliva you’ve excreted before you thunder it down a tube where it’s promptly dumped into a big sack. From here it’s further obliterated by acid before making a windy journey where your body scavenges it for everything it’s worth and adds final insult by expelling what’s left down the shitter.

So whilst this process is rather revolting, it’s necessary and to be fair, it’s take place out of view. Or at least for most people it does, but why oh why oh do some people have such revolting eating habits – it makes me feel bilious.

  • Open mouth eaters – you should put some food in your mouth, close it and chew. What you shouldn’t do, is put it in your mouth and proceed to display the contents dying a slow death as you give a full concert to those around you. No one wants to see it.
  • Noisy eaters – oh this one gets right on my tits. Slurping, gulping and any other assorted noise people make when eating. Granted, it’s difficult to eat in absolute silence but we don’t need to hear the inner workings of your digestive system.
  • Talkers – how can it possibly be acceptable to carry on a conversation with a big bastard lump of steak in your mouth. I know some people like to multi-task but eating and talking at the same time isn’t a good time to display this skill.
  • Plate scrapers – you know the sort, if you wasn’t actually looking at what they were doing you’d think two knights from medieval times were having an all out sword fight. You’ve got one fucking pea left on your plate, leave it there!
  • Dieters – don’t sit there and tell me your fed up of being fat and are going to go on a diet and order a salad and then when it comes to the crunch you order the biggest, fattest, greasy fucking thing on the menu. You’re fat because you’re greedy!

To think, we are thousands of years removed from cavemen but we still maintain some of their traits, what’s next tiger wrestling?

Choose your detective

Bit bored today, so for a bit of fun I ask you this…

Imagine if you will, you are walking home from a night out when you are attacked by the local nut job and horribly murdered – obviously not a nice way to go, but what if in your dying breath you could choose which TV detective would investigate your murder….

Who would you choose?